The Fellowship of the Fanatics
by Grabbag Lapidary
Summary: A Christmas present I wrote  but it's not about Christmas . Based on Dreamstrifer's awesome "The Fellowship of the Fanatics"; retold in aliterative octosyllabic verse. Because that can be done.


**A/n :** This is a Christmas gift (for 2010) from myself to Dreamstrifer.

This was a really fun piece to write. Dreamstrifer had given me a completely free hand to write whatever I wanted, and so I thought I'd do something fun and in keeping with a woman who posts videos of herself as a belly-dancing chocobo on the internet.

She wrote the wonderful "Fresca Files" wherein Legolas comes to earth thanks to . . . an electrical short and grapefruit soda. Yeah . . .

This piece is (obviously) patterned after the Lay of Lethian, Tolkien's piece of octosyllabic alliterative verse. I've used this form before, but never for anything quite so silly and fun!

Merry Christmas!

**The Fellowship of the Fanatics  
>(after <em>The Lay of Lethian<em>)**

Here now the tale the minstrels tell  
>of Fellowship not known so well,<br>not Walkers Nine who did walk long  
>and many deeds had put in song;<br>but Fellowship of Fanatics  
>whose guile and charm was put to tricks<br>against the one they called the Witch;  
>the dorm warden who was a bitch.<p>

For here we speak of students young,  
>with hormones packed and highly strung.<br>Mere infants by the norms of men  
>whose parents said, "By half past ten<br>tucked in your beds you sure shall be  
>and watch not monsters on TV!"<br>Sent to a place so far from home  
>with hope they would not Boston roam<br>there to get tanked and liquored up,  
>pausing barely for bite or sup.<p>

Now five there were within this band,  
>five maidens fair, and understand<br>what bound these damsels each to each  
>were not bloodlines or modes of speech<br>nor even things they all desired;  
>in friendly comfort they were mired.<br>For when freshmen, when they were young  
>(e'en more than now) the strings were strung<br>on friendship's lute with simple clips -  
>persuasion of shared shopping trips.<p>

Within this five there was a pair  
>and one more who a room did share.<br>Heather with Julie shared a space,  
>two girls possessed of sublime grace.<br>Beauty outstripping far the norm  
>with both were blessed. Within the dorm<br>each was known as fashionista,  
>for far more than fairest feature<br>these two were known; with care they chose  
>their belts and boots and other clothes<br>so to conform to an ideal  
>of raiment changing with year's wheel.<p>

Of other pair we should well speak,  
>and final friend who was a geek.<br>The nerd-girl's name was Meredith,  
>as Merry known. Consumed by myth<br>and fantasy was this maid's mind  
>and unto hunky men inclined<br>sole if those men had pointed ears  
>of latex made or they appeared<br>in books or movies which could win  
>the Hugo Award. Thus within<br>a fantasy realm lived this dame  
>who rarely went by her own name.<p>

The final pair was sweet Aubrey  
>with friend Ellette, and just the three<br>of Merry and this crazy two  
>were true fanatics through and through.<br>Aubrey did crush on Legolas,  
>the fairest elf e'er saw a glass<br>(or so she claimed, but others thought  
>he was too blond to be thought hawt).<br>Ellette obsessed with Aragorn,  
>a Ranger bold with long care worn,<br>but hunky, husky and so male  
>bedroom encounters worth a tale<br>would be had if once given chance.  
>Or maybe just perchance to dance!<br>"You're drooling, El," her friends would say,  
>"How'd you get Arwen out the way?"<br>And her face fell; she had not thought  
>of such a plan and had not wrought<br>a method to get rid the bitch.  
>"Honey, that guy sleeps in a ditch!<br>He smells like mud and things more worse,  
>His hygiene is a Mordor curse!"<br>"Meh, I'll just throw him in the tub!  
>There's bits of him I'd like to scrub!"<p>

In Aubrey's room (the one which she  
>shares with Ellette) we peer to see<br>the five young girls all gathered 'round  
>the flick'ring tube, a joyous sound<br>of mirth and fun, for smuggled treats  
>of candy strewn amid the sheets.<br>And soda too, forbidden though  
>such liquids were, but what they know<br>not will not hurt such as the Witch  
>(as said before, she was a bitch).<p>

Now with koosh ball the girls did play  
>and to and fro they tossed it. Yay!<br>No thoughts of Elves were on their mind,  
>with Middle Earth their thoughts untwined,<br>for on the screen "Twelve Monkeys" played  
>(Bruce Willis plying sci-fi trade).<br>Yet thoughts of maids respected not  
>will prove to be; at least he's hot.<p>

For now we speak of Elven Realm  
>where sun and starlight shone on helm.<br>Ruled by a king of Elvish kind  
>here tricks and traps would eat your mind<br>with Elvish glamor, Faerie grace.  
>This noble King was fair of face<br>and swift his sword and high his helm;  
>the king of oak and beech and elm.<p>

Now with his son we are concerned,  
>an Elf-price whose name thou hast learned<br>for speak we now of Legolas  
>whose skills all men with bow surpass<br>and knives too, and at taming beasts;  
>all noble arts from most to least,<br>it must be said, this Elf did show  
>and mastered them all long ago.<br>Now fair his face and sweet his speech,  
>the lord of oak and elm and beach.<p>

Back in the dorm the koosh was hurled  
>and fate's strange plans were thus unfurled,<br>for Ellette was a total kultz  
>and missed Aubrey and she cried "Nuts!"<br>It hit the lamp by Edison  
>which fell from 'customed place thereon<br>the nightstand and knocked over can  
>of soda which in rivers ran<br>down fiberboard and to the floor  
>and carpet there but what is more<br>it dripped on to electric wires  
>and spat and hissed and might start fires.<p>

But soda not of normal kind  
>was this bev'rage. Time out of mind<br>Ellette had said it was "so gross!"  
>but Aubrey raised it to the toast.<br>Some might have thought her penchant odd  
>for this nectar of grapefruit god,<br>but cared she not and deeply drank  
>until the room with grapefruit stank.<br>And it was this sweet soda fine,  
>not cocoa, coffee or red wine,<br>which spilled onto those precious cords  
>which spit and spat their angry words.<p>

And lo, sparks flew! Some faulty ground?  
>The wires with lightning wrapped around!<br>Flickering lights and dead TV  
>and soon there was quite naught to see;<br>not even hand waved before face  
>was observed in benighted place.<br>It was as dark as midnight skies.  
>"THE WITCH WILL TOTES KILL US, U GUISE!"<p>

Matches were struck and candles lit  
>which revealed the scene bit by bit.<br>Ellette was seen, and stumbling o'er  
>a figure sprawled upon the floor.<br>A bow? Two knives? A cape and . . . DAMN!  
>A full fine figure of a man!<br>Thought Aubrey, "Could he be more fair?  
>Call ER; get that boy some air!<br>When I am done he'll need a splint!"  
>But reason came; she gave a squint.<br>"What does a man do in our room?  
>And how'd he get in here so soon?"<p>

To his full height he drew himself.  
>"No Man I am, I am an Elf!<br>The prince of Mirkwood I am named,  
>Legolas, and I am not shamed<br>to make my land and title known  
>for I am heir to ancient throne.<br>Just question one," the Elf did cry,  
>"I ask you answer; where am I?"<p>

To Ellette then Aubrey did turn;  
>what had transpired she could not learn<br>but knew full-well to place the blame  
>on soda with unusual name.<br>So to her friend spoke thus she did;  
>"I blame it on the Fresca, kid."<p> 


End file.
